Headlines

Hell’s Gay District Absolutely Heavenly

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Domestic Drone Program Begins Initial Tests By Targeting Jeremy

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Love Means Never Having To Say I’m Sorry, Reports Man With A Lot To Apologize For

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Ken Burns Slowly Moving Old Photo Albums Of His Family In Front Of His Face

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Study: Babies Born Between 2000, 2003 Now A Bunch Of Little Pricks

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Guy Fieri’s New Menu Mostly Exclamation Points

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Family Dog Hailed As Hero After Waking Family During Fire, Calling 911, Following Up With Insurance Claims For Damages

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Scientists Use Stem Cells To Grow Mouse On Human Ear

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Guy Fieri Brings His Own Float To The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

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Judge Allows It, But You Better Be Going Somewhere With This Counselor

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FDA Urges Americans To Eat All Of That Potato Salad In The Back Of The Fridge Before It Goes Bad

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Study Finds Haters Not Always Going To Hate

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Scientists Struggling To Determine If It’s Possible To Have Sex In Space Or Anywhere Else

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Nation’s Historians Conclude Thomas Edison First Little Pussy, Afraid Of Dark

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Man In Rascal Scooter Better Fucking Be Paralyzed

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Disney Extends Spaceship Earth Ride To Include A Glimpse Of Walt Disney’s Frozen Corpse

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Haunted House Even Scarier When You Consider How Much Time Owner Put Into It

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Child with boner about to give book report

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Republicans Promise Keystone XL Pipeline Will Bring New Globs To America

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The Deed Is Done Reports Man Covered In Blood

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Orphan boy who fell into a vat of toxic ooze gains the incredible ability to have cancer

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Sitcom Couple Files For Divorce After Failing To Resolve Tension In 30 Minute Interval

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Satan Rushing Around Last Minute Trying To Get Things Ready For You