Okay Jeb. This is the most controversial statement I’ve ever heard a politician make, your brother’s “Mission Accomplished” declaration included. So let’s do this. You can’t Jeb. You can’t kill Hitler or you’d never exist to kill Hitler. That paradox would rip a hole in space and time and destroy us all. Statistically that’s true of everyone too. Hitler (unfortunately) had too great an impact on our planet and consequently each of our timelines for us to assume we’d still be the same as we are now (or even exist) had he not done exactly what he did. But you, Jeb. You ESPECIALLY can’t kill Hitler. YOU are a SPECIAL kind of paradox. Here’s why. Siddown:

Your grandfather, Senator Prescott Bush, was a director and shareholder of companies that profited from their involvement with the financial backers of Nazi Germany. This problem persisted until all his assets were seized under the Trading with the Enemy Act in NINE. TEEN. FORTY. TWO! That means he was still doing it even AFTER America had entered the war and knew MUCH of what the Nazis were truly doing. Imagine if you will an “Anti-Schindler”. Then stop. Because that’s what he was. In fact your grandfather worked for and profited from companies closely involved with the very German businesses that financed Hitler himself’s rise to power. In addition to this, Prescott Bush, the man from whose loins you sprang forth, sat on the board of Thyssen, the largest steel and coal company in Germany. Thyssen was responsible for much of the production in Germany’s ramp up between world war one and world war two, an event so significant one could argue your grandfather’s timeline is straight up linked chapter for chapter with Hitler’s. But one wouldn’t be done arguing were one to argue that. Because your grandfather even went so far as to set up a U.S. bank, UBC, almost exclusively FOR the Thyssens who would later join the Nazi party after ONE meeting with Hitler. Who could blame them though. The man was charismatic, disarming, and good at starting wars in pursuit of industry. And so many of Thyssen’s friends in America were (and still are) like that. Birds of a feather. The implication, with recently declassified paper work to back it up, is that the money Prescott Bush made from these dealings helped to establish the Bush family fortune and set up its political dynasty.

Jeb. Sorry. “Jeb!” You can’t kill Hitler because his war machine made you. If he’d never lived. You wouldn’t be around to kill him. In which case, kaplooey on the universe.

And so it is with certainty, after all these years, that I can finally use the copy I wrote for my Jeb Bush attack ad:

“Jeb Bush’s policies: Bad for Hitler, worse for America, and terrible for the universe. This November. Vote for a candidate who would only pee on baby Hitler. This November. Vote Ike Flitcraft.”

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