Chapter One: Beginnings

What lies beneath this paragraph is not one of my essays. It is not a character. It is not satire. What lies beneath this paragraph is something wholly genuine and true. My father recently showed me his manifesto, a 100 page, and ongoing, document which details the ways in which the events that transpire in the popular “Planet Of The Apes” franchise will soon take hold of our reality. Having recently been introduced to Google, my father spends all day at work researching strange animal incidents. I now receive daily updates I’d like to share with you all. Mostly though my father has created the world’s first anti-pet blog, a very unpopular view point. My footnotes are in red as I attempt to introduce logic. I hope you find it as upsetting as I did.

Sept. 25, 2013

            Hey, I like animals as much as the next guy. As your son I know this isn’t true. In the future it would be best to make sure your first sentence isn’t a lie. Most folks have had pets and it is rare when you come across someone who has never had one. Because they’re lovable and people like them. Let’s try to change that. If you are ever at a cocktail party gathered around a group of people and the conversation starts to drag ask about their pets. If you are lucky enough to have a “cat person” and a “dog person” in the mix you will be amazed how fast the next hour passes. Where were you when this happened to you? All of this is well and good but I’m getting a little concerned at just how important our “pets” are becoming.

For several years now, I have been mentally cataloguing the growing interest in the well being of animals. This is the behavior of a crazy person. Please continue.  That way when I make a statement such as, “This is just how The Planet of the Apes started”, and I get a puzzled look and shake of the head from the listener, I can pull out my research and say, “Don’t believe me? Here, read this.” “Wow”, the listener will reply, “I thought you were a little nuts when you mentioned that ‘this was how planet of the apes started’. But now that you’ve furnished this 60 PAGE DOCUMENT on how exactly we will lose the planet, I don’t think you’re crazy AT ALL.”

Planet of the Apes is a movie which was released in 1968. For those of you who were not alive or do not remember 1968 due to your age (or perhaps a mind altering experience) Solid drug joke. Suffice to say it was a watershed year.

BUZZFEED: 4 of the MUST KNOW things that happened in 1968!!

-The war in Viet Nam One word. You sent me there on a school trip for two weeks once. Glad to know had I been kidnapped you would not have been able to accurately tell the authorities what country I was in. was in full swing with the Tet offensive being launched in January, the My Lai massacre in March, and troops on the ground reached a high for the war of 541,000.

-Robert Kennedy, running for the nomination of the Democratic Party, is shot and killed on June 5th Classic

– The Democratic National Convention was held in late August which spurred rioting outside its doors.

– The original Hawaii Five-O, Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In, and Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood debuted.

That was a strange list and I’m not sure what it has to do with your thesis.

It is not surprising that a movie such as Planet of the Apes was released amid all the tumult of 1968. OHHHH! Nothing. It has nothing to do with the thesis. That, in itself, is an interesting discussion but one better left for another time. No! Now is the perfect time. It is the most relevant now and it would completely justify that list. Let me mention briefly the premise of the POTA movie to refresh our memories.

In a nut shell, Planet Earth had become a place where apes, gorillas, chimps and orangutans were in charge and humans were hunted, captured and forced into slavery. (Editied for time: NO LIE THERE WERE 3 PAGES HERE) But I digress. You did not digress. This is in fact the crux of your argument and I only cut it out because it was unbearably long.

My catalog of pets as humans will contain articles, news stories and such that demonstrate a world like the Planet of the Apes is not too far fetched. Perhaps we are not yet in the house of such radical behavior but I believe we are on the front porch knocking at the door. This metaphor is a stretch but I will allow it. I assume no one else will agree with me (safe assumption) so you can think of this paper as a list of evidence being presented to a judge.

Your honor, I submit my first argument below. UNBELIEVABLY EFFECTIVE CLIFFHANGER

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