Chapter Two: Insurance

What lies beneath this paragraph is not one of my essays. It is not a character. It is not satire. What lies beneath this paragraph is something wholly genuine and true. My father recently showed me his manifesto, a 100 page, and ongoing, document which details the ways in which the events that transpire in the popular “Planet Of The Apes” franchise will soon take hold of our reality. Having recently been introduced to Google, my father spends all day at work researching strange animal incidents. I now receive daily updates I’d like to share with you all. Mostly though my father has created the world’s first anti-pet blog, a very unpopular view point. My footnotes are in red as I attempt to introduce logic. I hope you find it as upsetting as I did.

Oct. 3, 2013

As long as we are on the subject of “pet heath care” consider the following. Consider it considered;

I have a friend whose son went to Africa on a missionary journey with a group from the church I attend. Rob (name has been changed to protect the innocent) (Are we now worried that animals might read this blog and kill people with anecdotal evidence for their uprising?) was studying to be a vet here in the States but wanted to take a few weeks off and help some folks in a foreign country. While he was there he got a chance to meet and interact with the locals. He was in a remote area so the culture and customs took some getting used to. At one point someone asked him what his occupation was in America. He explained that he was not working but he was going to college to learn to be a veterinarian.  The group of Kenyans looked puzzled and asked, “What is a veterinarian?” He explained it by saying it is a doctor for animals. Again the locals were perplexed. After a few moments one responded, “Americans have doctors for their animals?”  The locals exchanged glances with one another. HARD CUT TO: The locals spinning Rob’s body over fire on a spit.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause and he comes dressed in a white lab coat ready to give Jinks and Fluffy a full physical and treat any ailment he or she might have. Oh my god, what?…  According to ASPCA’s web page, and I quote, (This is wildly unecesary as you are about to use actual quotes)  “Pet parents (ed. Really? PARENTS?) spent about $13 billion on veterinary care in 2010, up 40% from 2006.”

Just like people doctors, animal doctors don’t come cheap. But that’s OK. There is a solution to your financial dilemma. Pet health insurance is available.

Oh god another list…

BuzzFeed: 5 facts about pet care insurance you just HAVE to KNOW

-The first pet insurance policy was written in Sweden back in 1924. Today 50% of all pets in that country are insured. There’s no way this is true.

-In 1947 the first pet insurance policy is sold in Britain, and pet insurance takes off rapidly there. Today, about 25% of pets in the UK are covered. It’s actually remarkable how soon after The Blitz pet healthcare became a priority again.

-The U.S. lagged behind in this area and not until 1982 was the first pet insurance policy sold. Someone on Wall Street doing a lot of cocaine definitely came up with this idea. Demonstrating that this country had its priorities in order it was sold to protect TV’s heroic dog Lassie. (Actually, I don’t have much of a problem with that.)

-By 2005 more than 500,000 pets in North America are covered by pet insurance. Dogs in South America began digging under the border in hopes of a better life.

-In 2009 about 1 million pets in North America are protected with pet insurance. Plus, more veterinarians recommend pet insurance to their clients to help them afford critical treatments. Thanks a ton Obamacare…

What’s that you say? Pet care probably only covers catastrophic illnesses where the costs are prohibitive? Oh, ye of little faith.

On the American Kennel Club’s (AKC) web site you can buy pet healthcare plans. The sales pitch begins with;

AKC Pet Healthcare Plans… Protect Your Loved Ones Today

Pet owners want the same treatment options for their pets as they have for themselves. We’ve designed the AKC Pet Healthcare Plan to help protect you against the growing costs of veterinary treatments by offering superior pet insurance.

After examining some of the plans I have to disagree with that first sentence. As well as all the sentences that followed. If pet owners purchase a plan their pets will be getting better treatment options than their masters. The deductible is $125 per year. The deductible for my human health care is  ??. I’m assuming you meant to go look up what your deductible was and just forgot. The pet plans offer discounts for multiple pets. My human family health plan does not offer any such discounts for multiple children. Hi, yeah, I’m right here. What about me? One plan will pay for 90% of the costs. Mine only pays for 80%. One plan will pay for boarding or “pet sitting” if the owner is hospitalized and unable to care for his pet if the hospital stay is more than 48 hours. Under my human health coverage if my wife goes in the hospital I’m on my own. No one shows up to feed me, take for a walk or flush the toilet. Okay this paragraph became less about animals and more about the flawed state of our current healthcare system. So strangely enough I agree with it?

There is a huge debate, i.e. fight, i.e. argument, i.e. controversy, i.e. dispute, i.e. contention, i.e. tiff,  going on right now in congress over healthcare for all Americans. I would not doubt that in the near future when national pet health care for all American animals becomes a political issue it will receive full support of both parties and unanimous approval in short order. And finally you have lost your argument permanently. If congress couldn’t agree on something as simple as health support for 911 first responders, they will never agree on anything. They’re the most incompetent human beings of our generation. Unless… oh god…Unless they aren’t human beings all… But it couldn’t be…. Animal senators?


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