College Exams

It’s exam week. I’m not stressed at all. Ask me why… SHUT UP! Don’t ask me questions. Follow these tips and ace your finals.

  1. Take time away from studying to read the rest of this book. It has no practical knowledge and aims solely to distract you from studying. It is a solid investment of your time.
  2. Sleep with you professor for a better grade but NO FUNNY BUSINESS. Just nap with them. It’s a bonding experience.
  3. If that doesn’t work have sex with them.
  4. Bribery is the sincerest form of flattery.
  5. For T/F questions write in a deep philosophical breakdown of whether anything is ever really “True” or “False”.
  6.  Finish Netflix
  7. Did you eat yet today? I can’t remember. I’ve been watching you all day and I don’t remember if you’ve eaten. Oh well. There’s no time. Don’t stop for food and don’t look in your closet.
  8. Scantrons, like all other transformers, can be destroyed using the allspark. Be sure to bring your allspark and a #2 pencil to every exam.
  9. Anarchy in the streets.
  10. Whenever you feel overwhelmed take a deep and remember you are DEEP in debt just for the chance to be in the stressful position you’re in now. Plus there are VERY FEW job prospects in a struggling economy anyway. Chances are whatever temp agency you end up at for the rest of your life isn’t going to care what you got on this Intro To Statistics final anyway. Chin up kid!

 

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