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ESSAY

AIRBNB CONFIRMATION: 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE

Thanks for booking your next trip with Airbnb! Your reservation is confirmed. In the body of this email you’ll find the original listing the host created as well as additional details they’ve added to make your stay a lovely one. Enjoy your trip and live life like a local!

Address

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC (just down the street from the Trump International Hotel).

Description

Beautiful colonial home on the Potomac in VERY popular shopping/tourist/rallying district. HUGE yard designed by the late Irish-born architect James Hoban in the early 1790s — GORGEOUSLY remodeled by AMERICAN-born chief strategist Steve Bannon in the early hours of the morning.

About This Listing

My wife and I lived in NY for our entire lives but recently decided to move to this stunning, OLD, gorgeous, stunning home in a neighborhood that’s GOOD and old. Then we decided to move BACK to NY for most of the time. Our vacation home is a BEAUTIFUL golf course/steakhouse in Florida and it’s BETTER than this one. And our real home is still in New York because that one’s TALLER and BETTER than this old one and the bed is NEWER there. I work out of this Washington property TWO maybe THREE weeks out of each month. (Most of my work can be done remotely). I am NOT taking a salary and am looking to SUPPLEMENT my INCOME. STUNNING nearby MALL is FULL of people and NO Nordstrom. ITSNOT THAT KIND OF MALL. This MALL has grass. It is NEARBY and FULL of celebrating people. 1 million? 5 Million? I was there. I saw it. Also happy to recommend places to EAT in the Washington area. People are saying this. Everybody’s saying there are great places to EAT in the Washington area. 9 McDonalds. 4 KFCs. I’ve seen them. This property is VERY great. This property is VERY available. And VERY. Cheap.

Details

  • Accommodates: 146 + staff of 40
  • Bathrooms: 96.5
  • Bedrooms: 132
  • Check In: Strict (No Muslims)
  • Check Out: Flexible (Owner may hold you for up to a week barring higher court decisions)
  • Self Check-In: Available (Hop fence, door unlocked. No Mexicans)
  • Single Room/Entire Home: Wing (west)

The Space

Please feel free to use our: garden, coffee maker, gifts from foreign dignitaries, bust of Winston Churchill, very nice bathrobes, phone that talks to frustrated people with funny accents, and randomly highlighted clippings from tabloids and newspapers scattered about.

Amenities

  • Kitchen
  • Tiny, sad little man who cooks in the kitchen
  • Washer/Dryer
  • Tiny, nasty little woman who washes/drys things
  • High-speed Internet
  • Tiny, gross little loser who fixes the internet
  • Suitable for events/rallies

Safety Features

  • Smoke detectors
  • Bullet-Proof Armani suits
  • Carbon monoxide detectors
  • Bunker designed for nuclear armageddon
  • First aid kit
  • Bear repellent
  • Helicopter
  • Sad, little pathetic formerly captured loser marine to pilot helicopter

Prices

  • Per Night – $345 – Very fair very competitive
  • Cleaning Fee – $1900 – Not refundable/negotiable
  • Weekly discount – None. Not budging.
  • Monthly Discount – These people need to pay us what they owe us. China is BEATING US. They are RAPING US UP ANDDOWN — I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT.

Getting Around

Washington has a LOVELY, CRUMBLING metro system. These people are killing each other in the streets of Chicago and all over too and Washington is like that. I’ve seen it. It is like that. I can RECOMMEND using a SECRETSERVICE motorcade to AVOID these people BURNING pinatas made in your GORGEOUS likeness.

Interaction With Guests

My BEAUTIFUL wife MELANIA is ALWAYS AVAILABLE, despite her wishes. Should you have questions about the space or need the keys she can fly in from New York at a moment’s notice.

House Rules

These guys they tell me y’know: “Don’t break things.” these guys say “This stuff’s important. Don’t AirBNB. You just killed 30 people in Yemen. Pay attention. Stop writing this listing.” They don’t know. They don’t know. I know. I know. No rules.

Other Things to Note

We have live-in houseguest named Steve. Avoid the bathroom for at least 30 minutes after he’s used it.

Response Rate

This user responds to 100% of complaints or inquiries though usually via Twitter.

Response Time

This user usually responds to inquiries or complaints within seconds and is most active at 3 AM.

Reviews

  • John K. (January 2017)
    “Host was a horrible menace to society. The place however was incredible as it was THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE.” — 3 stars
  • Vince J. (January 2017)
    “Loved our stay! Seemed like the host had barely ever been here!” — 5 stars
  • Meredith V. (February 2017)
    “Is this legal?” — 2 stars

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