ESSAY

Wow. Again… (Look at award) Wow. This is… I mean TWO YEARS IN A ROW?! (Cheers) haha. (Run hand through hair in disbelief. Give camera a moment to cut to a seething Leonardo Dicaprio).

Wow. Umm. I’d like to thank the academy again I guess… It’s crazy to be holding this after really only half writing one “Felicity” spec script this year. Honestly even the half I finished is pretty rough. It’s just too big a departure from the universe JJ Abrams created due to the copious amounts of nudity I wrote in. Also It’s also television from the 1990s and doesn’t seem to fit any of the categories here. But fuck it. (Lean on podium with both hands).

I’d like to thank my wife Cindy who’s always been there for me in the future. Cindy if you’re out there baby I want to meet you. You’re my wife for hell’s sake. Where are you. You’re name is Cindy. I don’t know you yet but I’ll find you. This one’s for you baby. Oh and Cindy Jr. go to bed sweetie. I’d also like to thank my manager Kent who once told me to quit and then shot himself. He survived don’t worry and his fighting spirit has kept me going ever since. (Begin undressing).

I owe all of this to some advice I got from Matt Lauer years ago. I remember I’d just moved to New York and so I asked him for some advice. I said: “Matt. How’d you get started. What was your secret?” And I’ll never forget this, he looked me dead in the eye and said “Are we here to talk about our feelings or are we here to get hammered and play Russian Roulette? Pull the god damn trigger.” and I’ve lived by those words ever since.

Anyway, sic semper tyrannosaurus rex or whatever. (Hold award in the air). Thank you (Spike award. Kiss presenter on the mouth. Go sit in Tom Hanks’ lap).

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