ESSAY

You, Mr. Phillip Anderson, the architect of Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, are hereby requested in a court of law to answer for the horrific working and safety conditions recently uncovered upon inspection of Mr. William Wonka Jr’s factory and estate. Nearly 240 health and safety violations were recorded, some potentially deadly. What’s worse, this came to our attention only after you opened your doors to an unlucky group of children who were subjected to what we are legally referring to as torture. While we realize Mr. William Wonka Jr. was most likely the mastermind of this sick environment, you played no small part. In the events following WWII Hitler certainly met swift justice but Joseph Goebbels had his day in court as well. I don’t make that reference lightly Mr. Anderson. The factory you constructed was maniacal at worst and grossly negligent at best. I’ve been a D.A. for some time Mr. Anderson and when this case came across my desk I called my wife and kids and told them I loved them. Lucky for you the justice system dictates I state the counts against you and allow you to mount a defense, and so that’s what I intend to do in this summons. Were it up to me though we’d lock you up in the mustiest cell we had and throw away the key, no questions asked. Save one question; what the hell is wrong with you Mr. Anderson?

First, on the chocolate pond you saw fit to install the room with the most foot traffic

I’d like to begin by stating the obvious. This vat contains the primary ingredient in every product your factory manufactures. The fact that it is at ground level, uncovered, and stagnant, is a violation of at least 50 different health codes. As if that wasn’t enough you had the gall to make the pressure such that, were someone to fall into the enticing vat of viscous liquid death, they would almost assuredly be pulled beneath the surface, into the tubing, and drowned. And you couldn’t even be bothered to put up a railing? What the hell is wrong with you Mr. Anderson?

Second, on the everlasting gob-stopper flavor creator

No candy should have the ability to expand a human body to 5 times its size and change the pigment of one’s skin. Whether you admit it to yourself or not, you weren’t “creating exciting flavors”, you were weaponizing chemicals and people nearly died Mr. Anderson. What the hell is wrong with you?

Third, on the jingle you programmed into your animatronic band at the gates

I’ll level with you. Nothing about this was illegal. But I didn’t get to be the D.A. I am today by letting lazy songwriting pass me by. To be clear, the lyrics you wrote when asked to write a song about the man who owns this factory were: “The name of the man who owns the factory/The name of the man who owns the factory/What he does/ The name of the man who owns the factory/The name of the man who owns the factory/Everybody give a cheer”. Mr. Anderson, kindly go fuck yourself.

Fourth, on the shrink ray you inexplicably created

Our techs are still attempting to reverse engineer this device. We’re uncertain of how it could possibly exist at the scientific juncture we currently find ourselves as a race. This piece of technology is astounding, dangerous, and again really has very little to do with candy.

Fifth, on the clear and copious amounts of slave labor you utilized at the factory

The Oompa Loompas were once a proud people. And now they beg only for death Mr. Anderson. May god have mercy on your soul.

Sixth and finally, on the elevator you installed

Let me get this straight. You installed a GLASS ELEVATOR. You enabled this elevator to reach speeds in excess of forty miles an hour. You topped the shaft off with a GLASS CEILING. You gave the user of said elevator an option to slam the glass elevator into the glass ceiling. Mr. Anderson my secretary just came in here because I am shouting at the top of my lungs in fury.

It is for these reasons and so many others; you are being prosecuted for gross negligence, and really war crimes as well. I understand you’re an architect, I understand you have a job to do. But the next time someone walks through your door with blueprints for a chocolate factory that uses a panel of squirrels for the purposes of quality assurance, perhaps you’ll be less inclined to say yes and immediately start brainstorming your own twisted ideas. See you in court Mr. Anderson. You’re going away for a long time.

Regards,

Eric Reiner District Attorney

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