ESSAY

Hello there! I feel that you, the reader, and I, the writer, have truly become quite close. So close in fact, that I wish to take our relationship to the next level. Enough of this one sided conversation. Let’s get interactive. After all, that’s what friends do I’m told. Whilst googling on the popular search engine “Bing.com”, I came across several possible activities we could share. Here are just a few: Horseback Riding, Parcheesi, Hang Gliding, Mad Libs, Gardening, and Stamp Collecting. I want to start this friendship off on the right foot, so you know what? You pick. It’s all you. Which of those things would you, the reader, like most to share with me, the writer?

Hmm… horseback riding huh? I don’t want to seem manipulative here but I am extremely allergic to horses. Is there any way you could take another look and pick a different activity? Thanks friend.

Oooh… Yikes… When I was a boy I watched as my family gardener (wealth) choked on glue while posting his stamp collection in a scrapbook. I’d be extremely uncomfortable with those options as well. Sorry again.

Hang gliding? Are you serious with that? I am terrified of heights. We’ve been friends for over seventeen sentences now. I’d expect you to know that about me. Pick again.

Oh wow… Parcheesi? Really? You mean like the game I was playing in the parlor with my nanny when we watched our poor gardener choke on stamp glue? Real considerate!

Look, I’ll just pick okay? I can see already how the power dynamic in this friendship is going to work. I guess let’s do a Mad Lib. That sounds fun right? I’ll set it up. You fill it out. Then you can tweet it at me, post it in the comments here, post it to Facebook, (stop reading here if you’re cool) email it to me, mail it to me, fax it to me, (start reading here again if you’re cool) or even use carrier pigeons.

Mad Lib

I ________ (your name) have been really good friends with Ike Flitcraft for a long time now. We hang out a lot. In fact I remember just the other night, June 2nd 2013, we were over at ________’s (name of a trustworthy accomplice) goofing around and __________ (non-criminal activity). Ike was being such a cool _______ (noun) that night. I remember specifically, because at exactly 11:32pm that night he leaned over and said to me: “I’m here at this party right now and any D.A. who tries to say otherwise is just trying to tear apart this friendship. He’s probably just _________ (synonym for jealous). After all, lawyers and cops are so ________ (synonym for insecure). And that’s why I’ll win this case.” At the time I had no idea what case he was talking about. And neither did he. Because he was there at the party NOT committing the crime which would eventually bring the case itself about.

Ike and I are like _______ (noun plural). That is to say, we do everything together the way two ________ (same plural noun as prior blank) would: _______ (adverb ending in ly). Thats how I know Ike Flitcraft has NEVER BEEN to Birmingham Alabama. If he had gone I would have been with him. Incidentally if I was with him in Birmingham, which I wasn’t because he’s never been there, wouldn’t that make me a suspect too? Maybe you’re looking at the wrong guy. I mean, if I’m not the one _______ ( synonym for responsible) how could I possibly know that the hand you found in the parking lot of that Arby’s belongs to an entirely different member of the underground gambling/racing circuit you claim Ike’s a part of. I don’t know. Seems pretty guilty of me to know that, and pretty _______ (adjective ending in y) of you to just pass me over as a suspect. If you were to take me in for questioning it would behoove you to ask Ike some questions about my whereabouts. Maybe you all could work out a deal. He’s great at making deals. I admire that in him. He’s almost as great at deals as I am at racing cars and gambling on river boats.

Anyway, I again would like to assert that I _______ (your name) was with Ike Flitcraft the night of his supposed crimes. He is innocent and his alibi is the truth. _______________ (Sign name). I would be willing to testify to this in court because he is my best friend and I ______ (verb) him.

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