ESSAY

Wow. This is… (Look at award) Wow. Obviously it’s an honor to even be mentioned in a category with these other nominees who lost to me because I’m better than them (Run hand through hair in disbelief. Give camera a moment to cut to a seething Michael Keaton).

Wow. Umm. I’d like to thank the academy uh… It’s crazy to be holding this after not making a movie this year, or any year for that matter. This is clearly some kind of mistake. The academy called me and said “Are you available to accept an award?” and I said, “for what?” and they hung up and now here I am (Lean on podium with both hands).

I’d like to thank my parents for staying out of my life long enough that I could be successful. I’d like to thank my agent Bartholomew Wentworth who does not exist. When people call I just answer in an accent. And finally I’d like to thank my children wherever/whoever they are (Begin undressing).

I owe all of this to some advice I got from Meredith Viera years ago. I remember I was going through a rough patch so I asked her for some advice. I said: “Meredith, it sometimes feels like the whole world’s against me. Like there’s no way to win. Why keep playing? Why not give up now?” And I’ll never forget this, she looked me dead in the eye and said “How did you get in my bathroom?” and I’ve lived by those words ever since.

Anyway, sic semper tyrannous (Hold award in the air). Thank you (Spike award. Kiss presenter on the mouth. Go sit in Tom Hanks’ lap).

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