LIST

Mr. Hubbard,

Thank you for approaching Heritage House Publishing with the exciting opportunity to publish these works first. It’s truly impressive to us that you, L. Ron Hubbard, and we cannot stress this enough, actually wrote these words down with absolute historic certainty.

You’ve asked us to publish three volumes of your work Affirmations: “Course 1”, “Course 2”, and then, inexplicably, “The Book” rather than “Course 3”. Unfortunately we are going to pass on all three at this time for a litany of reasons. For starters there seems to be no story, or even narrative. These are just lies in the form of bullet points you apparently wrote exclusively to yourself. You are not our target audience. At best we would sell one book and then have to pay you back immediately for authoring it.

We sincerely hope this does not impede the progress of other projects we have in development. Are you still working on the one about volcano and the aliens? We are interested. Do you need more speed?

In an effort to be transparent in our decision we’ve included our notes here on several actual excerpts from “Affirmations”. Again, L. Ron Hubbard actually wrote these. Sorry, we seem to have switched from the second person to third person personal pronoun in that last sentence. In fairness to us though you do that constantly throughout these pages. Our notes are as follows.

  • “I can write” – Show don’t tell.
  • “My mind is still brilliant” – Still?
  • “That masturbation was no sin or crime” – This is a jarring change of tense as well as a jarring revelation.
  • “That I do not have ulcers anymore” – Did a doctor substantiate this claim?
  • “That I am fortunate in losing Polly and my parents, for they never meant well by me” – This is no way to deal with grief, sir.
  • “That my magical work is powerful and effective” – That your what is powerful and effective?
  • “That the numbers 7, 25, and 16 are not unlucky or evil for me” – ALTERNATIVE: 7, 25, and 16 are my lucky numbers. Avoid double negatives when possible in your writing.
  • “That I am not bad to look upon” –Our focus group arrived at a different conclusion and the dust jacket will reflect this. No headshot, only blurbs.
  • “That I am not susceptible to colds” – Did a doctor substantiate this claim?
  • “That Sara is always beautiful to me” – Who is Sara? Please add exposition. Is Sara different from the wife you mentioned earlier you were glad died? Please elaborate.
  • “Your eyes are getting progressively better. They became bad when you used them as an excuse to escape the naval academy. You have no reason to keep them bad.” – What the hell happened to you in the navy?
  • “Your stomach trouble you used as an excuse to keep the Navy from punishing you. You are free of the Navy.” – Explain to us what happened to you in the navy or stop mentioning the navy.
  • “Your hip is a pose. You have a sound hip. It never hurts. Your shoulder never hurts.” – Did a doctor substantiate these claims? What happened to you in the navy?
  • “Your foot was an alibi. The injury is no longer needed.” – You gave yourself quite a few injuries to avoid the navy.
  • “You have no fear of what any woman may think of your bed conduct. You know you are a master. You know they will be thrilled. You can come many times without weariness . Many women are not capable of pleasure in sex and anything adverse they say or do has no effect whatever upon your pleasure.” – What would a personal memoir in the 1940s be if it didn’t allude to the myth of the female orgasm.
  • “You have no fear if they conceive. What if they do? You do not care. Pour it into them and let fate decide.” – “Pour it into them?!” Sir our editor just threw up at his typewriter.
  • “You can tell all the romantic tales you wish.… But you know which ones were lies . . . You have enough real experience to make anecdotes forever. Stick to your true adventures.” – Okay so you’re admitting all that stuff two affirmations ago about being a “master” in bed was fiction.
  • “Masturbation does not injure or make insane. Your parents were in error. Everyone masturbates.”-Can we spin this off into a children’s book? Just thinking long term here.
  • “You have no urge to talk about your navy life. You do not like to talk of it. You never illustrate your point with bogus stories. It is not necessary for you to lie to be amusing and witty.”-WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN THE NAVY?!
  • “You like to have your intimate friends approve of and love you for what you are. This desire to be loved does not amount to a psychosis.”-No notes.
  • “Your psychology is advanced and true and wonderful. It hypnotizes people. It predicts their emotions, for you are their ruler.”-Too many notes to list here.
  • “Material things are yours for the asking. Men are your slaves.”-Please avoid any talk of slavery as we fear the 1960s may soon happen.
  • “You will make fortunes writing.”-Maybe. Don’t count your eggs before they hatch bub. Again, How is that one about the aliens and the volcanoes coming?
  • “You will live to be 200 years old.”-We’ll throw this in the bio on the dust jacket.
  • “You will always look young.”-That ship has already sailed. We can’t be the first ones to tell you this. Sorry about mentioning ships. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN THE NAVY?!
  • “Money will flood in upon you.”-We get 25 percent.
  • “You can do automatic writing whenever you wish.”-Which makes us wonder why this draft came to us 3 months past your delivery date.
  • “You are radiant like sunlight.”-The sun is BAD to look upon. Reference earlier notes for: “I am not bad to look upon”
  • “You can read music.”-Can you? Honestly. Can you?
  • “You are a magnificent writer who has thrilled millions.”-NOT. YET.
  • “Ability to drop into a trance state at will.”-You mean sleep?
  • “You did a fine job in the Navy. No one there is now ‘out to get you.'”-Holy tits, fuck it.
  • “You are psychic.”-Can a psychis substantiate this claim?
  • “You do not masturbate.”-Can a doctor substantiate this claim?
  • “You do not know anger. Your patience is infinite.”-You severely injured a junior editor in our last meeting.
  • “Snakes are not dangerous to you. There are no snakes in the bottom of your bed.”-This is your closer?

 

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