LIST

“Your honor I abso-fucking-lutely committed this crime”

“Anyway by the time I was done the only person still breathing in that room was me. Which is impressive.”

“We all think about murdering people but I was the only person in this room brave enough to act on it. If that’s a crime then lock me up.”

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in five minutes you’re going to get up, walk down that hall, sit in a room, and decide if I’m innocent or guilty. That’s a huge responsibility. You’re doing a great service and I hope you make the right decision. My thoughts and prayers are with you and, as always, with Satan.”

“Look, when it comes down to it there are only two types of men in this world: Criminals and uh… Damn I forgot the second one… Was it chefs? Doesn’t matter. I’m the first one.”

“Literally ALL of my friends are in prison so the joke’s on you guys if you find me guilty.”

“Your honor I demand a mistrial. I was told I’d be tried by a jury of my peers and NONE of these people look like drug dealers.”

“You people are so concerned with looking at evidence and testimony. But I ask you to look into my heart, and tell me if it looks like it’s going to explode from all the drugs I ate when I was arrested.”

“Your honor I demand these charges be dropped. After I “hit” this man I did not “run” but rather “drove” away.”

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