NEWS IN BRIEF
THE DEPTHS OF HELL- Wearing an apron and frantically throwing sheets on a bed made of spiders, Lucifer, The Dark Lord of The Underworld, found himself in a panic upon realizing it was now mere hours before you were due to be struck by a bus. “How did I let it creep up on me like this?” mumbled The Dark One as he darted to the other side of the room to turn on a 24/7 broadcast of the popular CBS sitcom Mike and Molly before removing the batteries from the remote for all eternity. “I mean this one was a real sick fuck”, exclaimed Beelzebub The Great Deceiver “and I’ll be damned if they’re not”. Sources confirmed The Devil then summoned forth six screeching, eyeless, she-beasts to stand in the corner of your room tearing the flesh from one another as the prophesy of your coming foretold. “You can’t rush these things. I’m not God for Christ’s sake”, concluded The Wicked One as he placed a coffee table in a place you would assuredly stub your toe, “God knows nothing of interior design. Gold and Pearl have been out of style since ’82. Some of us still take our jobs seriously.” At press time you had stepped out into the street reading this article.