NEWS IN BRIEF
CAMBRIDGE, MA- After months of intensive study into blueprints, creations, and journals by turn of the century innovator Thomas Edison, Historians today announced the inventor was in fact the nation’s first little pussy too afraid to be alone in the dark. “After a belabored process picking apart Edison’s early musings on the telephone, the light bulb, and even the phonograph” commented one expert, “we can conclusively and objectively state that Thomas Edison was a little girl who wanted his mommy.” The group of historians then presented urine soaked bed sheets recently uncovered in Edison’s childhood home “This pathetic little man child probably couldn’t even get up to pee without daddy being there to hold his hand” commented another researcher as he plowed through a slideshow displaying awkward photos of a lanky, snaggletoothed Edison in middle school. “It really is a shame such technological advances were given to us via this pansy who probably died a virgin”. At press time the think tank had set out to discover how many chicks Nicola Tesla probably boned.