Post-Thanksgiving Survival Guide

You did it. It’s Thanksgiving evening and you survived your family right? WRONG. DEAD WRONG. The game is just beginning. They’re in the other room plotting against you as you sit and read this post but don’t stop! For I am the only one with the advice that could keep you alive.

  1. If you sense a family member getting ready to come out or propose, BEAT THEM TO IT.
  2. Tryptophan is a MYTH. Close your eyes and you’re dead.
  3. Hide a sword in the bathroom.
  4. That cousin you find attractive finds you attractive too. Go hit on her.
  5. Speak the words you’re about to read aloud. Be exact: “Has anyone seen my sword? I know it’s in the house somewhere and I feel rather defenseless without it. Honestly I’m completely defenseless. If anyone were to find a sword left carelessly about the house they could easily use it to murder me as I have no sword to defend myself”. Have any of your family members “casually” gotten off the couch to use the bathroom? Good. The wheels are in motion. By this point you should have obeyed tip #3 and hidden a sword in the bathroom. The family member who just left your presence intends to kill you with it. In less than 60 seconds he’ll return with the sword in his hands. “Hey guys?” He’ll say callously, “I found this sword in the bathroom is it the one you were talking about? Do you want me to put it in your room or…” He is interrupted as you shoot him in self-defense.
  6. Do you trust the family member who prepared the food? If not purge your body. Do it in the middle of the living room while everyone tries to watch football.
  7. Your grandpa did NOT serve in that war he’s always rambling about. It’s a clever ploy to get the family on his side. Be an ass to him. Rest assured the day is coming when he’ll look you in the eye and ask: “Oh I’m sorry. What war did you fight?”. Be ready with a clever retort. Use his own words against him by shouting: “War? I’m sorry you did fight! Oh! What!” Your family will respect you for disrespecting a veteran and immediately be on your side again.
  8. If someone hasn’t pulled you aside and informed you that you are “ruining this thanksgiving”, you are doing it wrong. You’re as good as dead.


  1. Find the cook and ask them what it was like to cook blindfolded.
  2. WIN Thanksgiving.


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