It’s been an insane winter. There’s no possible way you were prepared. You, the reader, are after all, an idiot. Luckily though I, the writer, am a MENSA* award winning genius. And I have just the tips to get you through what’s left of this hellish tundra as yet another Polar Vortex approaches.

*MENSA in this case refers to the: Meaningless Essay and Non Sequitur Association.

  1. Burn whatever you can to keep warm but BEGIN WITH WITCHES.
  2. The only way to be  ABSOLUTELY SURE your body is maintaining a safe temperature is to leave a rectal thermometer in your body at all times and occasionally ask close personal friends to check it for you.
  3. “Back in my day we ate the cold for breakfast!” your grandfather shouts at you from a creaky rocking chair. He’s wrong. Cold is not edible. It is not even tangible. It is an adjective construct we use to describe climate. What is your grandfather even talking about?! Heed none of his advice. Heed only my advice.
  4. Curse Al Gore for promising us global warming then not delivering on that promise. We could really use it right about now. Hey Al! Why don’t you go technically win the vote in florida again and invent another internet you hapless moron!
  5. Start shoveling your driveway now BEFORE the snow begins. Your neighbors might look at you like you’re crazy but who’ll be laughing when they’re out in the snow shoveling away and you’re safe inside with a driveway covered in snow because you did no actual work?
  6. Space heaters. Space heaters everywhere. Space heaters next to curtains, space heaters in your bed, space heaters next to that pile of newspapers you’ve been meaning to move. If your run out of places to put your space heaters, remove the fire extinguishers from your house and place space heaters where those used to be.
  7. Snowmen are the devil’s way of reminding you we’re all just slowly melting away in this world. Destroy every one you see and silence crying children with the phrase: “What you did here was an affront to god himself”.
  8. Anarchy in the streets.
  9. Local Zoos are REQUIRED to release Polar Bearsduring every Polar Vortex. It’s an unfortunate Bi-law created by that hippie liberal Teddy Roosevelt.
  10. Cuddle up with that special someone you love for warmth. Light some candles, make them feel safe. At the end of the day no matter what cold reality exists outside. You still have each other. Now stop reading and enjoy each other’s company. FOR THE REST OF US WHO WERE TOO SMART TO TIE OURSELVES DOWN TO ANOTHER BEING IN THIS NEW HELLISH LANDSCAPE. THIS YOUR CHANCE. WHILE THEY’RE IN EACH OTHER’S EMBRACE BREAK IN AND STEAL ALL THEY HAVE! IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE AND THEIR’S NO HOPE FOR THESE POOR SOULS ANYWAY. TAKE WHAT YOU CAN AND BURN THE REST. GOOD LUCK OUT THERE FELLOW SURVIVOR. I’LL SEE YOU AFTER THE “GREAT THAW”!


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