Writing

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LIST

SECURITY QUESTIONS THAT GET LESS REALISTIC TO ACCOMMODATE A FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR REFERENCE WITH MAINSTREAM APPEAL Security Question: Where were you born and raised? Answer: In West Philadelphia Security Question: On most of your… Read more LIST

Chapter 5: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY OLDEST SON AND ME

What lies beneath this paragraph is not one of my essays. It is not a character. It is not satire. What lies beneath this paragraph is something wholly genuine and… Read more Chapter 5: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY OLDEST SON AND ME

ESSAY

ANNOUNCEMENT: This is something I’ve been struggling to come to terms with PERSONALLY for a long time. It’s been an all consuming process of introspection but I think I’ve had… Read more ESSAY

LIST

You break it, you buy it. You crush it, you cover it. You damage it, you deserve it. You envy it, you earn it. You fuck it, you fund it.… Read more LIST

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“Audie Cornish” What she is: Host of NPR’s All Things Considered What she sounds like she is: A savory pastry “Terry Gross” What she is: Host of NPR’s Fresh Air… Read more LIST

LIST

Cool! Apple just released the most commonly texted phrases of 2016 broken down by City and State! Oregon: “On my way” Virginia: “LOL” Vermont: “On my way. Bringing syrup.” New… Read more LIST

Surviving A Trump Presidency

So Donald Trump is your president huh? Never fear. I have JUST THE TIPS for surviving this chaotic divisive chapter in out nation. Anarchy in the streets. Anarchy in the… Read more Surviving A Trump Presidency

Another One Of Hilary’s Leaked Emails

Hilary’s Leaked Email

LIST

“Eyeball” A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii “Then crush this herb into Lysander’s eye; Whose liquor hath this virtuous property, To take from thence all error with his… Read more LIST

SHORT STORY

HONEST DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER

QUITTING

COMMENTARY

These days, it seems many of you have lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas. From my famous home called heaven, every year I watch you all fighting in… Read more COMMENTARY

LIST

HBO Go $15.00/mo – $3.75/mo once user’s roommates finally pitch in like they said they would when user subscribed. Netflix $7.99/mo – Free to users with high school buddy who… Read more LIST

ESSAY

Wow. Again… (Look at award) Wow. This is… I mean TWO YEARS IN A ROW?! (Cheers) haha. (Run hand through hair in disbelief. Give camera a moment to cut to a seething Leonardo… Read more ESSAY

Oscars

LIST

“Scrumptious” Menu Excerpt: “A scrumptious portion of our homemade Chicken n’ Dumplins served up hot and fresh with your choice of any two country vegetables.” I don’t believe it’s possible… Read more LIST

Leftovers

Benghazi

LIST

See if you can tell which of these exchanges are between two bird enthusiasts on an awkward first date and which are between two cold war era spies! The weather… Read more LIST

Johnny Depp

Move

Blessing

Chapter 4: Selfie

Jan 8. 2016 According to Wikipedia a “selfie” is a self-portrait photograph, typically taken with a digital camera or camera phone held in the hand or supported by a selfie stick. Selfies are often shared on social networking… Read more Chapter 4: Selfie

Gun

Grow

Pizza Hut

BLOG

http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/09/politics/jeb-bush-kill-baby-hitler/index.html?sr=fbCNN110915jeb-bush-kill-baby-hitler0844PMVODtopLink&linkId=18625262 Okay Jeb. This is the most controversial statement I’ve ever heard a politician make, your brother’s “Mission Accomplished” declaration included. So let’s do this. You can’t Jeb. You can’t kill… Read more BLOG

GRAPHIC

Snacks “More Like Or-A-Gun” T-shirts All the taxes ever paid Map of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in order to “Try n’ find Ted” Social media intern Snacks Every gun… Read more GRAPHIC

BLOG

Self awareness is the new sexy. Life’s uncontrollable. So how you see it, perception, is all that defines you. Most people don’t know who the fuck they are cause it’s… Read more BLOG

SPEC

KimmyLearnsToDrive

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Clinton Kardashian

Lifespan

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Mr. Hubbard, Thank you for approaching Heritage House Publishing with the exciting opportunity to publish these works first. It’s truly impressive to us that you, L. Ron Hubbard, and we… Read more LIST

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NEWS IN BRIEF

WASHINGTON DC- Listing the merits of the proposed pipeline plan in front of congress Saturday, house republicans touted the bill’s unparalleled ability to bring globs to the people of America.… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

LIST

“Put a little pep in your step” “Put a little hustle in your bustle” “Keep your eye on the ball, Paul” “Paul, keep your eye on the ball” “Paul, watch… Read more LIST

Going Green

We’ve all heard the warnings: “Watch your carbon footprint!” “Don’t dump oil in the Gulf!” “Hold this polar bear while I take a picture of my crying Native American uncle!”… Read more Going Green

SPEC

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LIST

“I hope you brought a pair of sandals for yourself too. Because this look?… Is gonna blow your socks off!” “Call your daughter and apologize for ruining her birthday. Because… Read more LIST

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ESSAY

Wow. This is… (Look at award) Wow. Obviously it’s an honor to even be mentioned in a category with these other nominees who lost to me because I’m better than… Read more ESSAY

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Marvin Gaye

NEWS IN BRIEF

Silver City- Vowing to avenge his slaughtered parents to his quickly impending last breath, local 10 year old Timmy Baker found he was experiencing some “pretty crazy changes” after falling… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

Urology Four

Urology Three

Urology Two

Urology One

Billionaires

Home Thief

Black Hole

Omni-Processor

Vanilla Ice

Common Cold

Suspicious Package

Tesla

Keystone

Boston Time Capsule

McDonald’s

San Diego

Library

HEADLINES

Family Dog Hailed As Hero After Waking Family During Fire, Calling 911, Following Up With Insurance Claims For Damages Judge Allows It, But You Better Be Going Somewhere With This… Read more HEADLINES

The Raven

Foreword: Edgar Allan Poe: author, poet, editor, literary critic, total weirdo. A true master of horror, Poe constructed gripping stories for his avid following of claustrophobes. Who could forget the… Read more The Raven

LIST

“Your honor I abso-fucking-lutely committed this crime” “Anyway by the time I was done the only person still breathing in that room was me. Which is impressive.” “We all think… Read more LIST

A Very Very Omnichord Christmas Christmas

A Christmas Carol

Foreword: Charles Dickens. The very name elicits, in all of us, memories of Christmas past, if you’ll excuse the pun, and you will excuse the pun. Yes one way or… Read more A Christmas Carol

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ESSAY

College Assignment: Write A Brief Paragraph In Which A Character’s Mood Changes College Answer: Ants had always fascinated Karl. He remembered his 8th birthday vividly, the occasion on which his… Read more ESSAY

LIST

ARTICLE “He kept calling my kid Frank even though his name is Thomas.” – Susie M, Brentwood “My daughter was sunburned even though I know for a fact they were… Read more LIST

ESSAY

College Assignment: Write One Brief Paragraph About What You Believe Interactive Media Is College Answer: Interactive Media. Since the dawn of time we as a species have asked ourselves: “What… Read more ESSAY

HEADLINES

Nation’s Historians Conclude Thomas Edison First Little Pussy, Afraid Of Dark Cathy Lee And Hoda Break For A Word With Their Sponsors Scientists Use Stem Cells To Grow Mouse On… Read more HEADLINES

HEADLINES

Cow Doesn’t Understand Why Farmer Obsessed With Foreplay Disney Extends Spaceship Earth Ride To Include A Glimpse Of Walt Disney’s Frozen Corpse Haunted House Even Scarier When You Consider How… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

AUSTIN, TX- Area woman Maria Billings is in critical condition after being struck Sunday by a 2013 Maserati GranTurismo PRT S-Class equipped not only with state of the art 4-wheel… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

ESSAY

You, Mr. Phillip Anderson, the architect of Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, are hereby requested in a court of law to answer for the horrific working and safety conditions recently uncovered upon… Read more ESSAY

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HEADLINES

The Deed Is Done Reports Man Covered In Blood Guy Fieri Brings His Own Float To The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Fifty Members Of Dr. Oz’s Studio Audience Dead After… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

New York, NY- Onlookers today at Manhattan’s iconic Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade were stunned as they witnessed a rogue Guy Fieri speed out of an alleyway and join the procession in… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

HEADLINES

Man In Rascal Scooter Better Fucking Be Paralyzed Study: Babies Born Between 2000, 2003 Now A Bunch Of Little Pricks Dog Walker Has An Alarming Amount Of Peanut Butter In… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

CAMBRIDGE, MA- After months of intensive study into blueprints, creations, and journals by turn of the century innovator Thomas Edison, Historians today announced the inventor was in fact the nation’s… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

NEWS IN BRIEF

THE DEPTHS OF HELL- Wearing an apron and frantically throwing sheets on a bed made of spiders, Lucifer, The Dark Lord of The Underworld, found himself in a panic upon… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

HEADLINES

Acoustic Guitar Lying Idle In The Corner Of Dorm Room Ready To Drop Some Panties Come Friday Afternoon NASA’s Mars Rover Discovers Signs Of Struggle, Deems Planet A Homicide Love… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

LINCOLN, NE- During a recent visit to the home of her long time dog walker to pick up her beloved pet after work, Barbara Franklin was disturbed to witness the… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

ESSAY

Dear Mr. Flitcraft, We here at Vanderbilt Medical Hospital regret to inform you that we are unable to hire you at this time. Though it is unorthodox, we feel the… Read more ESSAY

HEADLINES

Anthropomorphized Dog Still Wants To Hump Your Leg Tour Guide Won’t Shut Up About City’s Historical Significance And Tell You Where The Drugs Are Already Local Medium Admits She Can… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

A CARTOON ISLAND- Sources confirmed earlier this week that despite one leprechaun’s constant paranoia, animated children were not in fact ‘after his Lucky Charms’. “Red balloons, shooting stars, four leaf… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

NEWS IN BRIEF

DENVER- Immediately after touching down for a layover this afternoon, sources confirmed area sales representative Jeremy Lansing, 34, switched his phone out of airplane mode unleashing a deluge of texts,… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

HEADLINES

High School Wrestling Coach Becomes Loner Kid’s Stepfather Area Man Leaves Area, Needs New Source Of Identity Brick And Mortar Brick And Mortar Store Moving To An Online Sales Model… Read more HEADLINES

Moving To A New City

So you’re moving to the big city huh? Great! Sometimes in life you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take a chance. But it can be nerve… Read more Moving To A New City

Winter

It’s been an insane winter. There’s no possible way you were prepared. You, the reader, are after all, an idiot. Luckily though I, the writer, am a MENSA* award winning… Read more Winter

BLOG

I’d like your help casting a terrible Hollywood blockbuster I just wrote. Here’s the pitch. We open on a chain-link fence with countless governmental signs warning of lethal consequences. In… Read more BLOG

ESSAY

Hello there. I can see you eying prices on the chalkboard outside my tent there. Let me save you some time. You’re going to have your fortune read. I know… Read more ESSAY

Chapter Three: Resurgence

What lies beneath this paragraph is not one of my essays. It is not a character. It is not satire. What lies beneath this paragraph is something wholly genuine and… Read more Chapter Three: Resurgence

Chapter Two: Insurance

What lies beneath this paragraph is not one of my essays. It is not a character. It is not satire. What lies beneath this paragraph is something wholly genuine and… Read more Chapter Two: Insurance

College Exams

It’s exam week. I’m not stressed at all. Ask me why… SHUT UP! Don’t ask me questions. Follow these tips and ace your finals. Take time away from studying to… Read more College Exams

Chapter One: Beginnings

What lies beneath this paragraph is not one of my essays. It is not a character. It is not satire. What lies beneath this paragraph is something wholly genuine and… Read more Chapter One: Beginnings

Post-Thanksgiving Survival Guide

You did it. It’s Thanksgiving evening and you survived your family right? WRONG. DEAD WRONG. The game is just beginning. They’re in the other room plotting against you as you… Read more Post-Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Black Friday

The holiday shopping season is upon us. May the odds be ever in your favor. It is NOT okay to call it “African American Friday” Remember; The employees at these… Read more Black Friday

Halloween

If you’re going out this Halloween here are some ways to keep yourself safe: Avoid eye contact. Murderers are OBSESSED with eye contact. NEVER BREAK EYE CONTACT. This way others… Read more Halloween

ESSAY

I’m afraid I have some terrible news. I’ve lost my cat ‘Noodles’. I left the door open last night while I was bringing in groceries and I think he might… Read more ESSAY

ESSAY

Hello there! I feel that you, the reader, and I, the writer, have truly become quite close. So close in fact, that I wish to take our relationship to the… Read more ESSAY

ESSAY

Far be it from me, a humble and EXTREMELY TALENTED first time essay writer, to comment on society (One quick comment on society; isn’t it suspicious how no one’s supposed… Read more ESSAY