The Onion

Just a bit of spec work for America’s finest news source.

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COMMENTARY

These days, it seems many of you have lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas. From my famous home called heaven, every year I watch you all fighting in… Read more COMMENTARY

GRAPHIC

Snacks “More Like Or-A-Gun” T-shirts All the taxes ever paid Map of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in order to “Try n’ find Ted” Social media intern Snacks Every gun… Read more GRAPHIC

NEWS IN BRIEF

WASHINGTON DC- Listing the merits of the proposed pipeline plan in front of congress Saturday, house republicans touted the bill’s unparalleled ability to bring globs to the people of America.… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

NEWS IN BRIEF

Silver City- Vowing to avenge his slaughtered parents to his quickly impending last breath, local 10 year old Timmy Baker found he was experiencing some “pretty crazy changes” after falling… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

HEADLINES

Family Dog Hailed As Hero After Waking Family During Fire, Calling 911, Following Up With Insurance Claims For Damages Judge Allows It, But You Better Be Going Somewhere With This… Read more HEADLINES

HEADLINES

Nation’s Historians Conclude Thomas Edison First Little Pussy, Afraid Of Dark Cathy Lee And Hoda Break For A Word With Their Sponsors Scientists Use Stem Cells To Grow Mouse On… Read more HEADLINES

HEADLINES

Cow Doesn’t Understand Why Farmer Obsessed With Foreplay Disney Extends Spaceship Earth Ride To Include A Glimpse Of Walt Disney’s Frozen Corpse Haunted House Even Scarier When You Consider How… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

AUSTIN, TX- Area woman Maria Billings is in critical condition after being struck Sunday by a 2013 Maserati GranTurismo PRT S-Class equipped not only with state of the art 4-wheel… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

HEADLINES

The Deed Is Done Reports Man Covered In Blood Guy Fieri Brings His Own Float To The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Fifty Members Of Dr. Oz’s Studio Audience Dead After… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

New York, NY- Onlookers today at Manhattan’s iconic Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade were stunned as they witnessed a rogue Guy Fieri speed out of an alleyway and join the procession in… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

HEADLINES

Man In Rascal Scooter Better Fucking Be Paralyzed Study: Babies Born Between 2000, 2003 Now A Bunch Of Little Pricks Dog Walker Has An Alarming Amount Of Peanut Butter In… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

CAMBRIDGE, MA- After months of intensive study into blueprints, creations, and journals by turn of the century innovator Thomas Edison, Historians today announced the inventor was in fact the nation’s… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

NEWS IN BRIEF

THE DEPTHS OF HELL- Wearing an apron and frantically throwing sheets on a bed made of spiders, Lucifer, The Dark Lord of The Underworld, found himself in a panic upon… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

HEADLINES

Acoustic Guitar Lying Idle In The Corner Of Dorm Room Ready To Drop Some Panties Come Friday Afternoon NASA’s Mars Rover Discovers Signs Of Struggle, Deems Planet A Homicide Love… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

LINCOLN, NE- During a recent visit to the home of her long time dog walker to pick up her beloved pet after work, Barbara Franklin was disturbed to witness the… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

HEADLINES

Anthropomorphized Dog Still Wants To Hump Your Leg Tour Guide Won’t Shut Up About City’s Historical Significance And Tell You Where The Drugs Are Already Local Medium Admits She Can… Read more HEADLINES

NEWS IN BRIEF

A CARTOON ISLAND- Sources confirmed earlier this week that despite one leprechaun’s constant paranoia, animated children were not in fact ‘after his Lucky Charms’. “Red balloons, shooting stars, four leaf… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

NEWS IN BRIEF

DENVER- Immediately after touching down for a layover this afternoon, sources confirmed area sales representative Jeremy Lansing, 34, switched his phone out of airplane mode unleashing a deluge of texts,… Read more NEWS IN BRIEF

HEADLINES

High School Wrestling Coach Becomes Loner Kid’s Stepfather Area Man Leaves Area, Needs New Source Of Identity Brick And Mortar Brick And Mortar Store Moving To An Online Sales Model… Read more HEADLINES